*discoverychannel

12 Dec, 2025

tags: drug use, dissociation/ideation, self-directed kink shaming / naming (the tmi/explicit tag applies here to varying degrees)

no one is more surprised than me that i have a high tolerance for weed now. i still truly don't enjoy the acrid burnt popcorn smell of vaporized flower, but that hasn't stopped me from getting high almost every single day for the past month and a half. as i write this, i'm taking a break, because while weed has been extremely helpful for being more playful creatively, when it comes time to actually write, it's sooooo hard to focus. i'm mentioning that up front to explain why i haven't written another entry in a while but also because it's relevant to the overall theme which is,

embracing the process of becoming a huge pervert (and the issue of shame along the way).

some months ago, i read a book called ALL FOURS by Miranda July. i'd heard of it from a few different sources, but only when it was directly recommended to me as something i would love did i finally dive into it. i chose the audiobook copy, narrated by the author, and finished it over the course of a few days. in brief: a multi-disciplinary artist and mother in a supportive but bland marriage gets an offer to collaborate with a famous musician, which requires a road trip to the meeting spot. before the trip even begins, the appointment gets cancelled, but instead of telling her husband and child, she drives an hour out of town and checks into a roadside motel. what follows is the story of a middle-aged woman discovering what her sexuality actually is in blunt but beautiful ways. i resonated with that aspect of her character to a degree that kinda shook me, and in tandem with things like Slime Feet or my own book WIPs, i've finally been looking inward.

which, it turns out, involves a lot of letting myself genuinely look, outwardly, at other people. my oldest and most foundational habit.

drink deep and descend

the awakening of scent. discovering how much it matters to me how people smell, and how i generally can tell if i'll vibe with a person based on their smell. there's a girl i work with who smells intense each day she's there—maybe she needs to put on deodorant or to shower more, but i hope she does neither. i have to clench my teeth when i catch it strongly, to try and alleviate the tension. she's come into work before with a bite mark on her shoulder. can i somehow smell that she enjoys being bitten? god help me. it's the only sense that i can't control my reaction to, because i think about most smells so little otherwise. KINKS TO DISCUSS: scent, intoxication, age play, voyeurism,