...

(if it's too quiet.)

tags: tmi / explicit

it's been nearly a month and i'm still thinking about Slime Feet by Nadia Nova.

night-blooming jasmine

it is my fourth day dealing with a really bad cold—at least i'm pretty certain that's what it is? it's hard to tell and i can't afford covid tests that aren't expired. the second day i started sneezing so hard i had pink snot by the end of the day. it's been my third day working a full shift while sick enough that my muscles felt weak and i got the shivers (but i was masked!!! i was SERVSAFE the entire time gdi). it's also been, if i'm being honest, almost a year since i last had sex.

there's no one reason why, i think. my partner has long known i have a lower sex drive than they do (but like still extant ftr), they have been nesting for almost two years with their other partner, and between having negative money 90% of the time and a bunch of new issues with my skin/body/hormones, i'm kinda at an all time low vis a vis self confidence.

not that i'm not making new local friends, bc i am, for the first time in uhhhhhh years! but my presentation is all over the place depending on the day and my available spoons. but i'm starting to worry that my ability to flirt is atrophying and tbh i worry about the same thing happening to my....... idk, sex skills?

the irony is that despite all of the above i feel like i've discovered more about my own sexual preferences in the past year than i did since the start of covid? there's a lot more stuff i want to try, and some things i wanna try again. such as, okay, uhhhhhh

the agony (and the irony) of

so. feet, right. most of us got em. for the record, i really don't like mine—too big and wide for any cute shoes and in fact my pinky toes are kinda fucked up because i didn't have the right size shoes as a teen most of the time. my feet are the most ticklish thing on my entire very ticklish body and i can't afford to get a pedicure or whatever. my feet are sooooo not relevant here.

but i've only had two hookups in my entire life, both of them in the past few years, both of them thruuuuu grindr. i mean, one of them wasn't really a hookup, it was just some dude i was selling edibles to who asked me as i was about to leave if i wanted to give him head. which: no, not really, but also sometimes you extremely want to suck cock. and he weaseled out of paying for the edibles after the fact anyway BUT that's p much my fault for being a really amateur 'plug' i guess. still like. DAMN you think he'd be nicer to someone who brought him edibles and bonus head???

so yeah, not really a hookup! so my only hookup, ever, was with this trans girl who i thought would be waaaaay out of my league but her profile was really funny and she was super cute. i found out muuuuuuch later, like after we hooked up, that she had actually done like, pro porn? femout, groobygirls, etc. it turns out "leagues" are only half-real and being silly and charming goes a long way or something!

this next part is gonna be the actually explicit bit so uh skip to the next header if you would rather not know that stuff about miss screenlit.

i haven't even been on a date with anyone in........ okay maybe ever but lets not talk about that. i still knew to bring party favors for the cute stoner girl: a nug and a bottle of plum wine, bc she couldn't afford either. i put on my best wig, a fully button-front black dress, combat boots, and simple black lingerie underneath. i hadn't actually shaved my arms and legs, bc i ran out of energy and when made to choose between Go To A Cute Girl's Place or Shave My Extremities it's kind of a no brainer. her apartment complex—but her grandmother's apartment, actually—was like the ones i grew up in, which is to say, really cheap and borderline falling apart. she answered the door in a black blouse and high-waisted dress pants with stripes, and neon yellow strappy heels. my nerves were so bad though, so i didn't fully register the colors in her outfit at first. only that she was taller than i even expected, a pleasant willowy mix of angles and curves. she opened the door to the unlit exterior corridor i was waiting in and she was backlit by purple string lights, and something on a TV across the room. there was an acrid smell, which was soon explained by the tired meow of an old-looking cat. it seemed to be saying, "i also invite you in, though i'm wary of you, and sorry for the smell of my litter box, it's someone's job to clean it. couldn't tell you who."

she invited me in, and as soon as she closed the door, i noticed her bed: a pile of blankets and pillows on top of a mattress resting directly on the floor. it looked cozy, but i was beckoned by her toward two chairs in front of the TV. she was pleasantly amused at the treats i'd brought—really only enough flower for one bowl, and she'd never tried plum wine before (she found it sweet and easy to drink)—and laid out her idea for the night: we were going to watch the dwayne johnson vehicle known as Black Adam. she apparently thought it had some redeeming qualities despite how much people shit on it, and my hidden hater energy easily caved to a cute woman. it was here that i noticed her collection of comic books and green lantern tattoo, and i was silently thankful that we weren't watching the ryan reynolds green lantern movie. we chattered on about whether or not certain cuts or shots were good or bad, intentional or unintentional. we agreed on one thing for certain, which is that dwayne was the weakest part of a pretty bland film. we didn't actually finish the movie; she got bored of it herself and changed it out for an episode of Powerpuff Girls, which was her favorite cartoon. it was at that point that she adjusted her chair so she could put her legs in my lap.

i was out of practice, but it was a clear overture. in her profile she mentioned she wanted her feet worshipped. i wasn't into feet, but i'm into submitting to hot women who are taller than me, so i ran my hands across the smooth fabric over her calves, her knees, then reversed toward her feet. i only noticed the neon yellow of her heels then as i looked at the softness of her feet, the dark polish on her nails. i wasn't into feet, but soft skin is always pleasant to feel. i unclasped the straps and took the shoes off her feet with care. she had larger feet, like mine but a size and a half smaller. i've given my partners foot massages before to no complaint, and that instinct was the right one. i kneaded the arch of her foot with my thumb and she groaned into a giggle. they really were so soft. i cupped her ankle and lifted it to my lips; i trailed kisses up and down the top of her feet. she preened beneath it and asked if i did this a lot, to which i honestly replied i never had before. i think she seemed deeply flattered that she was my perfect stranger for giving it a try, or maybe she was a little impressed with some aspect of what i was doing. kissing any body part is pretty universal to me i guess, but the look she gave me made it feel like an accomplishment.

she laid her hand on my thumb as i rubbed circles into her anklebone, and hooked her finger around mine. she tugged it almost imperceptably up her leg, and i felt a little shocked that i had passed some imagined series of tests that permitted me to touch more of her. she wasn't tense at all, and i almost succeeded in hiding the shakiness of my hands as they slid up her calves and across her thighs, but my fingers trembled as they came within an inch of the bulge in her pants. i laughed at myself, but she grinned and angled her legs to make herself more comfortable, more inviting. "go for it", she said.

barriers are hot to me. sorry to introduce this concept this late in the game, but it's relevant. i've seen a lot of casual nudity in my life, and i never get tired of it, but the separation of her body and my hands, the residual heat of her cock radiating through the fabric, just the sight of it, is burned indelibly in my brain. my right hand feels warm as i'm thinking about it. the heat, the swollen anticipation of her, i barely remember what her reaction was beyond 'positive' because my world shrank down to the impressive size of her. it felt like a reward for turning down every man that stomped into my private messages with pictures of their stubby cocks, or cocks that clearly weren't their own, for not giving in to my desperate oral fixation easily. it was imposing and inviting and straining up towards my palm. it wasn't insurmountable, as far as my capabilities, but big enough to be a challenge for someone who had previously sucked one (1) dick in my adult life.

she said she doesn't kiss her hookups, and only saves that for her partners. i respected that: actual kissing is a difficult negotiation with a stranger. plus, she was in charge, so when she told me we were moving to the bed, it was both permission and imperative at once. i don't remember anymore how our clothes came off, except that she ended up naked and i unbuttoned my dress so i could slip it off, give her something for her trouble. i started to take my boots off, but she told me to keep them on and lay down on my back. it goes without saying i listened, and in the next moment she was on her knees straddling my upper ribs, asking me to lift my head up. the request was only made difficult by my eagerness, because not only was she naked, the length of her was rock hard, only weighed down the slightest amount by its own size. but i realized why she was asking, so i did as she asked: i leaned forward and lifted up my head, and she grabbed a pillow or two to prop me up for the best angle. her cock brushed against my chin, my neck, the hollow of my collarbone—i gasped and babbled some wanting words. "shh," she said, "that's not what your mouth is for, right?" right. of course. obviously. i threw my head back and opened my mouth, tongue out. there was a spark in her eyes that felt like i was giving her everything she wanted at that moment, and then she slid her cock down my throat in its entirety.

heaven help me, i can't remember a damn thing she said after that. i only remember the precise, forceful, occasionally jerky jackhammering of her hips into my face. it was not unwelcome: it was everything i wanted. at one point she said something, some kind of exclamation of surprise that i was so good at this, and my mouth was too full to smile as broadly as i felt, too busy to say that i had no practice whatsoever aside from how often i thought about doing it. i gagged and instinctively put my hands to the back of her hips, trying to keep her from pulling back, from going easy. i didn't need to bother, but i got the pleasant bonus of groping her ass as pressed my head into the wall with her hips. her moan vibrated into the bottom of my throat, and i echoed it against the base of her. i gagged again from the effort, and she pulled back so suddenly that i thought i might have bit her. she grabbed my wrists and removed my hands from her skin, then shook her head. she didn't look upset, only sly. "there's only one thing your hands are allowed to touch." i nodded, mouth still open, and reached down as far as i could—her feet weren't that far away, actually, with how far she'd brought her knees forward. i ground the pads of my thumbs into her heels and she lurched forward, the head of her cock grazing my tongue. she remembered herself, gripped my head with her hands—god i missed having hair then, especially then, wanting to feel her fingers against my scalp instead of worrying about whether the wig cap and synthetic fibers were a turn-off—and found the rhythm again as she returned to fucking my face. she slowed her thrusts, but didn't remove her cock entirely from my mouth, having realized how much i didn't want that to happen. "you could take it off, you know. you're already cute." it took me a moment of processing the word 'cute' while i swirled my tongue around her length, and i felt my face get hot. i smiled and released my suction with a pop. "you're sweet, i just feel cuter with it on. don't pull on it too hard?" she nodded, taking in my words completely. she brushed a stray lock of hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear, making it feel real, but thank fuck that swell of emotion was derailed by her cock pressing against my lips. i opened up and took her back inside, and i put my hands back on her heels. i learned the topography of her soles faster than i expected, or she worked my throat longer than i could keep track of; there were spots that were ticklish that would make her shake her head, but also ones that would set her off so much that i could feel her cock throb in my mouth. i brushed the inner side of her feet and she slammed into my throat with a full body jolt.

this time, when i gagged around her, i felt a strange flood in my throat. i moaned, thinking i'd made her come in such a short time, excited and proud and anxious that it would mean the end of our play all at once. i hadn't made her come, of course, but i wasn't throwing up either. instead something much stranger happened, and the only way i can describe is: i think her cock dislodged the mucus lining of my throat.

she wrenched back, eyes wide, clearly worried this strange older woman was about to barf all over the bed she needed to sleep in tonight, and oh fuck, i was worried too, because this clearly wasn't the kind of unit with a built-in washer-dryer situation—but the fucking slime that spilled out on my chest was borderline indescribable. it was clear and so viscous that i could pick up the entire thing like a literal jellyfish, and roughly the size of a couple of egg whites. it was so bizarre and so surprisingly innocous, the mess so thoroughly contained by itself, that we both burst out laughing. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT", she said, covering her mouth to keep her laughter quiet. i'd totally forgotten that her grandmother was asleep a couple of rooms over, or at least i hope so. in the moment i was purely, utterly amused. i opened my mouth, sputtered on a mix of spit and at least some fluid that wasn't native to my body, and coughed out a laugh. "i have no fucking clue! how did that come OUT of me?" she poked it and squealed, fascinated and faux-grossed out. "that's a fucking CREATURE, oh my god??? okay, get up, come with me."

she smiled huge and i reached out my hand—no, other hand, the one not cradling The Creature to my chest—to take hers. she linked her fingers with mine, and i felt one of my wig fibers wrapping around our fingers as she dragged me to the kitchen sink. she was completely naked, and i was covered in my own spitbaby, and we giggled uncontrollably, as quietly as we could manage. she turned on the faucet and said "wash that bitch down the drain,", bumping shoulders with me, and i choked on another laugh as i scooped it off of me, dangling the heavy gloopy mass from my hand until it plopped straight into the swirling vortex. "so long, creature", i intoned, mock-solemn, but she was already tugging me back out toward her bed.

this time, though, she threw herself down on the bed, and did not beckon me to sink down to her level. i still began to kneel anyway, happy to apply my mouth from any angle, but she shook her head, grinning like a cat. "noooo no. you've still got those boots on." right, shit, great point from a brilliant and beautiful woman. i laughed, wondering what she had in mind for me next that required my shoes finally come off. she'd told me earlier to keep them on, though. was it the look she liked? admittedly it felt like a great look. i remembered some of our messages from the app and tilted my head. "i thought you weren't into other people's feet?" her eyebrows shot up, but the grin hadn't gone anywhere. "i'm not." that took a moment to process, and when the moment passed, i remained oblivious. "then...?"

her eyes did all the gesturing required. her eyes weren't expressive exactly, but they communicated a lot with their movements. she managed to turn a quick glance down at her own body, my boots, and at last my face, into clear directions: she wanted me to step on her. for the first time that night, i felt dizzy. all of our messages were through a very specific lens: i wanted her to use me. i wanted to come over to her place, do whatever she asked, to worship, certainly, at whatever she deemed an altar. i didn't want to be in control, or dominant, because i never had much fun doing it before. it always felt like a monumental effort, two parts improv and one part sexual pantomime.

but.

but this person was a stranger to me. there was a part of me that flared hot when this woman, who i'd never met before that night, placed herself beneath me and trusted me to put my boot on her body.

i was biting my lip. my eyes were raking over her body, which only became consciously obvious when i made eye contact with her. she wiggled and writhed, putting herself on full display for me. this was a reversal i could more than tolerate, if it meant we'd keep playing. i wanted to keep going so bad after our trip to the kitchen. "where should i...?" she shrugged, entirely unbothered. "wherever you like. probably not my face", she replied. she crossed her arms behind her head, not in repose, but in a languid stretch, and i thought about pets exposing their bellies. sometimes an expression of trust, sometimes a lure for a trap. i lifted up my boot and caught her eyes sparking again as she stared at it, silently cheering for her own personal boot of damocles. i brought my foot down, gently but deliberately, on the shallow recess of her belly. she gasped, the kind that raises the stomach rather than sucking it in, meeting the rough heel of my boot happily. i experimented by grinding my boot into her, firm but not rough, not wanting to really mar her perfect skin. she squirmed, and i could see that suddenly, she couldn't settle on looking at what was happening to her or what was happening on my face. "like that?" i phrased it as two questions: is this what you want, and not mutually exclusive, but does this work for you? she nodded with gusto, and her eyes seem to gesture once again at her own body, like she was asking me out to the dance floor—if she was also the dance floor. i lifted my heel and dragged the rough plastic toe of my boot up her ribs, feeling each one pass underfoot, and stepped down onto her right breast. she inhaled sharply, not in true pain but genuine surprise, i think. she moaned low, and it felt like maybe this was an entirely new experience on both ends. i leaned down, putting all my weight on my other foot, not wanting to crush her on accident, and pinched her other nipple. it was hormone puffy and bright pink, moreso in the violet lowlight, and softer than anything i'd ever touched. she looked scandalized. "i didn't say you could touch me with your hands", she said, but it wasn't a reprimand exactly. it had the tone of someone who thought they knew the rules to a game, and who was nearly but not entirely sure that i'd pulled an illegal move. it sounded like the faintest protest. what she didn't sound like, most of all, was displeased.

"oh! is that how this was supposed to go?" i aimed for smirking, for smug, and judging by her face, landed at least safely in the vicinity of 'fun mean'. she pouted, but arched her back, and i felt her body crushing itself up against my heel. couching negotiation and inquiry in still-hot phrasing was key to these proceedings, i thought, then i silenced the judge within my head. that voice wasn't wrong, but it was too analytical. this was nebulous, tenuous, and that was one of the best things about it. it could be that playing with the roles was more fun than playing the roles to the hilt. "i thought you invited me over to worship you?" i lifted my chin up and looked down my nose at her, shifting my foot to her sternum. she inhaled, maybe to see if she still could. "i thought you came over to worship me; this still could be that." she seemed briefly meek, then a burning curiosity rose up in her eyes. "i didn't think you'd be that into this. do you usually switch?"

what a question. i didn't generally get asked my preference. i didn't usually get a choice. i'd last subbed almost a decade prior, and before that half a decade more. i didn't feel particularly submissive with my mouth full, but i did feel immensely useful, which might be the same thing in the context. it was too much thinking, too much contemplation when all she wanted was an honest answer. and honestly, before that night i'd never had anyone's toes in my mouth, or put my boots on someone's bare chest. i slipped back into the moment at hand and allowed myself to feel anything that felt correct to me. i licked my lips. "is it switching if i'm enjoying myself, doing what you asked? is it switching if you got more than you bargained for?" i dragged my boot down her body, a straight line across her navel then twisting at an angle, until her hip bone was securely pinned beneath an inch of PVC.

she didn't look any kind of unsettled by that answer, only contemplative as she writhed under my heel. she closed her eyes, just for a second, then looked at me in a new way: she was impressed. "you're good at this. you're having fun with this, aren't you." not a real question, nor an accusation. she'd simply spotted something true in me, which made me realize it too. "duh. fun is the most important part, yeah?" my tone was playful, sincere, and somehow didn't feel at odds with the sensation of hard bone under my shoe.

insofar as there was one, it was the right answer. she renewed her squirming and i smiled at her, then glanced down. her wiggling brought her cock back to my attention, and i couldn't help watching it flop back and forth with her movements. she'd gone a little soft on me. i looked at it, then up at her, raising a brow. she rolled her eyes and scoffed. "i just got back on E, okay? it needs stimulation to stay like that, you know how it is." i did know—in anticipation of our meeting, i'd made sure to maneuver my estrogen patches to my ass cheeks where they'd be out of sight. "fair. what kind of stimulation, exactly?" i picked up my heel and dangled it in the air above her cock, a pendulum divining an answer. excitement blazed through her features, and i swear that her cock twitched a little at the implication. "any kind, as long as you'll still put me back in your mouth again."

her cock laid out straight and semi-soft across her thigh, so i tucked the edge of my boot under her tip and nudged it up, laying it back across her belly. even soft, it very nearly reached her belly button. i think i started salivating all over again, but i pushed that out of my head to focus on being beyond careful. i drew the toe of my boot up her length and reveled in the full body shiver that went through her. she nodded, absently, like she'd confirmed her own desires internally. i pressed my heel into her balls, then rolled my foot down across her. she was long, but not longer than my boots. her cock vanished underfoot, and i let her do the hard work as she rocked her hips up into the outsole, taking big shuddering breaths. she kept that up, almost dry humping the rough ridged texture, before some frustration bubbled over and she slapped her palms down on the bed. "okay, get down here."

i felt excitement change my face and i did just as she asked, and she rolled over to make space for me. "how do you want me to be this time", i asked. before she answered, she already had her fingers hooked into my underwear, sending a surge of panic through me. i'd worn my compression underwear, black ones that complemented my bra, to keep my crotch flat and benign. "out of these, first of all", she said. i hadn't planned on taking off my underwear at all, because... honestly, because i didn't think it would happen. it hadn't crossed my mind that she would want anything i had below the waist. most of the men on that stupid app wanted to fuck me in the ass if they wanted anything, but that wasn't an option. i had it prominently in my profile that i didn't bottom. it hadn't even come up in our messages, which is why my train of thought changed tack. i was already shifting my ass to help her in getting my underwear off even still, even as i said "you don't have to do anything for me."

"just trust me, okay?" i already wanted to, so i did. i helped her get the panties off at least one of my legs, maybe both. there are so few details that could have hoped to survive intact alongside what she had planned. i was still on my back, and she had straddled my thighs. i was almost completely soft—compression underwear will do that, as will a lack of direct stimulation—and worried it would seem insulting. i opened my mouth and said the beginnings of an apology, but was cut short by her fingers sliding over my cock. i inhaled sharply so i wouldn't moan as loud as i wanted to, and she chuckled under her breath. she worked at me, touching here and there, figuring out what got the best rise out of me. i'd never gotten a comfortable handjob in my life, and her speed didn't qualify it as the latter, but her hands were almost as soft as her soles. i had to fight against an old instinct, the one that made my eyes shut tight at the sensation, because i wanted this burned in my brain. i was staring at the ceiling, and when i looked at her instead, at this beautiful woman with my cock in her hand, she was scooting up to my hips with her own cock in the pumping grasp of her other hand. would you believe that i didn't put the pieces together, and that it came instead as a complete surprise when she took both of our cocks in one palm so she could stroke us against each other?

i had never frotted before. in my defense, these things don't come up outside of specific contexts. i'd tried it once with a dildo, just to see, but the sticky, stubborn texture of the cheap material dragged unpleasantly against me. this was the exact opposite. her cock was bloodwarm and swollen again, grinding up against me after every clutching stroke, stroking my cock up into hers between every roll of her hips. it felt as hypnotic as anything had in my life, and my hips took up the off beat. her breathing had been focused, but it turned ragged, interspersed with whimpers and little moans. a dryness became obvious to both of us, so she let go of our cocks, just long enough to lick her palm and spit into it. her grasp returned, slick and gliding, first around my cock, then around hers. a tiny pearl of clear wet had appeared at the tip of her cock, and my mouth watered at the sight. the part of me that wanted to toss off her hands—one had braved to grope my breast, an alien feeling that i welcomed gladly—and shove her cock back down my throat, that part was somehow, impossibly, not nearly as large as the part that wanted to fuck our cocks together until...? until what? my brain went entirely fuzzy, to the point that i couldn't think about anything except the immediate moment. there wasn't a single thought in my head other than my senses. it can't be oversatated: i am always, always somewhere else. not then. her cock and mine were both pointed directly at me, and i imagined both of us coming at once, and which of us would cover more of my belly. our cocks had a similar height difference to our bodies: mine was shorter but slightly thicker, hers was long and smooth. both were sliding across each other, her hips and mine twitching arrhythmically, her hand wrangling our cocks together in the barest semblance of control. the world was turning pink around me, somehow, or maybe there were literally actual fucking hearts in my eyes, and i heard her whine like she was chasing down the finish, and i wanted that so bad—

there weren't hearts in my eyes, but stars: my back arched hard, and the sensation of something hot and wet landing on my cock. had she spit on it? did she come after all? but it was me, instead. she had realized what was happening before i had and angled her hand so that every spasm of come came back down on top of us, becoming lube, because she hadn't quit pumping us together. she was breathing faster and faster, practically fucking the space between her palm and my cock, which i distantly felt had transformed into a wet mess that would probably be fun to rut against if i were her. then,

then things happened very quickly. i don't know how i reacted so fast, or even realized what was happening, given the state i was in. she huffed in frustration just like before, hornier than she expected to get, and her hand seemed less warm—she was stroking me alone, then, working me back into hardness. she lifted her thighs, unsticking from me like we weren't superglued together, and shuffled her knees forward. her ass was above my cock, which she was angling upward, and she was lowering down—she'd decided that it wasn't enough. she wanted me to fuck her. panic arousal fear desire new no stop STOP "whoa whoa hey what are you doing?" the words were out of my mouth before she finished her descent. the head of my cock brushed between her ass cheeks, and i suppressed a shiver. she looked at me, confused but concerned. "you don't want to?"

which was fully wrong. the concept of fucking a beautiful woman in the ass with my own come as lube was and is one of the hottest things that's ever crossed my mind, much less that almost happened to me. but there were too many variables for me to consider. i didn't know her, not really, but what if i never get another chance, but i also have my own partner, and kissing would've been one thing but anal without a condom or sharing clean tests was such a risk, maybe no one else will want that from me again, no that's stupid, but—a true fact about me, reader, is that i've never fucked anyone in the ass. it's never been something any of my partners have been interested in, sometimes so vocally that i would never bring up the idea. i'd been pegged before, and had even done some prep before i drove to her place on the wildest off chance that her hands might roam a little, but this wasn't on the list of possibilities i'd mentally prepared for. but i also didn't want to offend her. it was easier than i thought it would be.

"no i, i do, but i won't stay hard for long and it might take a little while for me to um, i mean i'm happy you want to, and i would, but—" i was babbling, and her confusion was dissolving into amusement. she shook her head and smiled. it was a soft look. "we can do other stuff. really." and she meant it. to make it up to her, i had her lay on her back. i lifted her legs and pushed them back so i could go down on her again while i massaged her feet, her calves, the insides of her thighs. i chanced squeezing her ass and even rubbed circles over her hole, which made her shiver, much to my satisfaction. she was enjoying herself a lot, that much was obvious, but i'd missed my chance to make her come, and we both knew it. it wasn't a disappointment really, just true. she mentioned her hormones again, saying if i'd come over a couple of weeks prior she would've ruined my wig with how much she had, which was both a curse and a blessing to have missed. we cuddled for a little bit afterward, and for the literal third time in my life a woman i had sex with revealed that actually she was a dragon. "you're sitting on my tail right now, isn't it cozy?" i had to laugh, not cruelly, just at my luck. i couldn't feel it, and why was it always some invisible tail i was meant to sense? where was the tail before? no disrespect to any furries/scalies who believe that hard in their own animus, to be clear!!! but it's really funny that it only gets sprung on me after the fact.

eventually we acknowledged how late it was, and i got dressed again—not my underwear, i simply tucked those away in my purse, which amused her. she didn't put any clothes on, not even when she walked me to the door. she told me she had a lot of fun, and i told her i did too. i was caught so off guard by her leaning forward to kiss me on the lips—incongruently chaste, a peck really—that i didn't react in time to reciprocate. "text me again sometime, okay? good night." i echoed that, too, as the purple light disappeared behind her closing door. on the drive home i kept one of my hands in my lap, and marveled at the slight dampness there. it wasn't just mine, after all. if i'd stayed, i thought, and talked myself into more, then... but i didn't. when i got home, i crawled into bed and passed out swiftly, spent as i was. when i woke up, i had two messages from her:

u really surprised me last night, lmk if u wanna come over again some time ;) ur a throat goat fr

also does plum wine make u shit? think i drank too much after u left and this morning my guts are maaaad lol

anyway, it only happened once

soooooo yeah needless to say i've been thinking about slime feet a lot. a game about a woman that contracts a mysterious and fatal malady, about distanced sex, about being a foot slut, about chronic illness and terminal illness and quarantining and being safe and not being able to risk it, not being allowed to risk it, about missed chances. i've been so sick and unsexy the past few days, i've been crushing on so many people for months, sometimes years. i almost miss living in that lonely basement last year when my high school ex flitted back into my life and took me out for drinks and had some of the best conversations i've had in my life, before she moved away and disappeared again. i wanna do something spontaneous again, something risky, and sometimes that means redownloading grindr or even looking at fucking sniffies to find some tolerable way to sate myself. i never go through with it, because i know if i don't actually put in the effort, i probably won't find someone that will see me how i want to be seen. it's one thing to fool around with someone i don't care about but another thing if they gender me wrong, if they want something different from me than i want from them. i'd hate myself, like i did after that weasel ghosted me. there will be more chances and i know that, i don't need to resort to things that are just gonna hurt me bc of some stupid physical craving but kinks are hard to wrestle with sometimes. in time, in time, in time.